I do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the Gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me. That is why I sent you Timothy, my beloved and faithful child in the Lord, to remind you of my ways in Christ, as I teach them every- where in every church.[1]
Sometime around 1990, I met Grady. I was invited to volunteer with a middle school/high school dropout prevention program. I was assigned to be a mentor for Grady. If ever there was a kid heading in the wrong direction, it was Grady. I wasn’t worried so much about his performance in school. I was more concerned that Grady was on the path to dropping out of life. Here’s the really troubling part: Grady was smart. He was teachable. He was articulate. He was diligent and independent (having learned, by necessity, to fend for himself at a very early age). He went to school most days and had lots of teachers that did their best to educate him.
However, his parents were not really in the picture. I have no idea what happened to his dad, but, dead or alive, he was not involved in Grady’s life in any way. Grady lived with his mom. He loved his mom. And I’m sure Grady’s mom loved him. But life was not easy for Grady’s mom. She rarely worked. She had struggles with her mental health. And she spent most nights drinking herself into a stupor at the local dive that sat at the entrance to their trailer park. Meanwhile, Grady sat at home alone in a rickety one-bedroom trailer that was about as weather- proof as a cardboard box. Many nights Grady acted as the welcome desk for whatever stranger his mom dragged home from the bar. As far as food was concerned, usually a single jar of peanut butter sat alone in the pantry. That was it.
Grady was about 12-years-old when I met him. I was in Grady’s life for one heartbreaking year. Sadly (and predictably), it didn’t end well for Grady. He began selling drugs. Pulled a gun on an undercover cop. Was sentenced to a very long prison term. I’m sure he’s still in jail, if not dead. All of Grady’s po- tential was likely wasted, and his family’s line most likely ended with Grady. It’s a sad but true story.
To amplify the sadness, I am thinking as I write that Grady’s story might really be a parable for the many ways we, the church, fail to disciple young believers into responsible, mature followers of Jesus. There are a whole bunch of Gradys sitting in our church- es, just waiting to deconstruct and fall away from the faith and drift off into the world. They may have many teachers (live preaching, books, apps, the internet, etc.), but they often have zero actual spiritual parents. They have no one to whom they have granted full access to their spiritual lives—the ups and downs, the joys and challenges. Effectively, we produce spiritual children who have no foundation- al mooring and little hope of reproducing spiritual children of their own. It reminds me of Grady. That feels to me like sorrow upon sorrow.[2]
I wonder if this concern burdened Paul’s heart as he wrote his first letter to the church in Corinth.
The Greek word for "guides" Paul uses in 1 Corinthians 4:15, in the culture of Corinth, was the word for a family guardian: someone to protect and discipline the children.[3] Paul writes that the Corinthians have countless guides—self-professed guardians or tutors (like my role with Grady)—but only one "father." The Greek word Paul uses here is translated as "countless," and literally means "ten thousand."[4] This is the ancient equivalent of a modern person using exaggeration, like saying, "I've told you a million times..."
This whole passage is pretty sarcastic, with a specific point. The Corinthians have been dividing over loyalty to individual Christian leaders.[5] Paul compares these other leaders, and their abundance, to overseers of children to show that the Corinthians have lots of guides but only one figure acting as a "spiritual" father in their Christian walk.
Paul is not necessarily addressing a problem as much as announcing a reality. The tender-hearted, new believers in Corinth had lots of people lining up to teach and guide them. But they had only one spiritual father, and that was Paul. The point is pretty obvious, but I will make it anyway. As followers of Jesus, we need and have lots of guides. That’s a good thing. But don’t confuse guides with parents. While you probably need 10,000 teachers, you don’t need many spiritual parents. But you do need at least one spiritual mom or dad who can provide you with the love, encouragement and graceful correction you need to grow into maturity. And it’s not only about you. It’s about multiplying our growth. A single mature believer can help to raise countless spiritual children who each raise spiritual children. But too many of us, like Grady, go toe to toe with the world, the flesh, and the devil on our own...as spiritual orphans. And we usually lose that battle. Meanwhile, we are surrounded by more mature believers, with ample capacity in their spiritual home, but no one has taken us in as their own. Of course, we are adopted into the great kingdom family as co- heirs with Christ.[6] But Paul is addressing a different matter here.
Paul is embracing his role as spiritual parent to the Corinthian church and claiming his authority in order to put an exclamation point on the principle of Kingdom expansion. He is saying, in essence, “I am your spiritual father. Imitate me. Grow up. And, then go produce spiritual children of your own.” For the cycle of discipleship to actually work, we need birth, upbringing, and reproduction. The whole process must be repeated generationally and perpetually. Paul will father countless spiritual children in his life...with the expectation that his kids will “imitate” him as they mature. Ultimately, if they (and we) are to fully follow Jesus, we will eventually be sent out (like Timothy) as mature believers who will birth healthy children who will birth healthy children....unto the return of the Lord.
I think Paul had this example modeled for him in his own life. Ironically his spiritual parent might very well have been a woman. One of Paul’s most personal chapters is Romans 16. Paul makes reference to no fewer than 29 people, about a third of whom he knew from earlier associations. In the middle of this listing, we find this curious passage:
Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord; also his mother, who has been a mother to me as well.[7]
Was it the case that when Paul become a messianic Jew, his family disowned him? It is entirely possible that from the time of his baptism, his biological Jewish family viewed him as a dead person, never to be mentioned around the family Shabbat table again.
Sometime between the event of Paul’s conversion[8] and the writing of the book of Romans some twenty years later, this woman, the physical mother of Rufus, had, in some way, “mothered” the apostle Paul.[9]
Where did this happen, and under what circumstances? We do not know. So let’s wonder a bit:
• Did this spiritual “mother” have a home somewhere along Paul’s missionary route in Asia Minor or in Europe?
• Was there a special room, “Paul’s room,” ever ready with a warm bed for the weary church planter?
• Was there a favorite dish her spiritual “son” enjoyed?
• Did she lovingly apply ointment to his bloody back?[10]
• When his brow was furrowed with anxiety for the churches under his care,[11] did she offer words of encouragement as a loving mother would do for a son?
• When even his own brothers in Christ treated Paul like dirt, did the apostle’s in-the-faith “mom” remind him that there were many, like her, who loved him and appreciated his sacrifices for the Lord’s sake?
I am fully aware that, at best, I am only one of the countless guides Paul mentions. But if you will indulge me for just a moment, I would like to offer some simple parental advice.
To less mature believers: Find at least one mature Christian with bright eyes and fire in their belly, and glean all you can from them about how to persevere in faith and how to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus for the rest of your life. You don’t have to become a spiritual Grady. There are mature believers who will pour into your life. You don’t need a bunch of spiritual parents. One will do. But, don’t wait for someone to come looking for you. Go find a spiritual parent. Be intentional.
Here is a random thought about mentoring/discipleship: we older people often times want to impose our age as a club on the heads of younger people. "You should listen to everything I have to say because I'm older than you and I have more experience and I know God better because I'm older." This is not necessarily true. Just because someone is older than you chronologically does not make them more wise or more knowledgeable in the Lord. Yes, a Christian who is ancient and still plowing into their faith and growing in the Lord has much to offer (I am thankful for many names that come to mind as I write). But I see a lot of older Christians who stop growing and are inappropriately com- fortable with their spiritual lot in life. Your spiritual parent should be spiritually mature, at least a little further ahead in life than you, and committed to a life of spiritual vibrancy, holiness, and sanctifica- tion.
To more mature believers: If you look around your life and you find it hard to identify any spiritual parents, then it’s likely time to stop looking. Instead, start looking for spiritual children. Go find the par- ent-less, spiritual Gradys around you and help grow them into maturity.
We don’t have to imagine what it’s like for kids to grow up without parents. The world is full of Gradys. I don’t believe Grady ever had a chance to grow up into adulthood, at least not responsible, functioning adulthood. This should never be the case within the family of faith. The unshakeable Kingdom of God will be built through relationships between and amongst maturing followers of Jesus (peer level relationships is a topic for another day). So, how will you as a younger believer learn to walk, talk, and become a functioning adult? Do you have a spiritual parent who can speak lovingly, truthfully, forcefully into your life when you mess up, throw- up, or just need to grow up? I’m not necessarily talking about a pastor standing behind a pulpit preaching to you. I mean a spiritual mother or father who knows what is really going on in your life. It is a key to your spiritual growth. A final word of advice to you: ask God to show you who you should give permission to do this for you. Then humbly ask for their guidance.
And, when will you, as a more mature believer, get yourself immersed into the holy messiness that is spiritual parenting? It’s not easy. It’s often exhausting.[12] But it’s so rewarding. And, at the end of the day, it is God’s Plan A for growing a family where no Grady is left behind.
Jeff Henderson serves as the Director of Frontier Alliance International, after having served previously as the Chairman of the FAI Board of Directors. He is the Founding Pastor of Maranatha Church of Jacksonville and gives leadership to a number of ministries and pioneers across the globe, as well as co-hosts The Better Beautiful podcast with Stephanie Quick. Find out more at jeffhenderson.global.
[1] 1 Corinthians 4:14-17
[2] Philippians 2:27
[3] Thayer’s Greek Lexicon, Electronic Database. Copyright 2002, 2003, 2006, 2011 by Biblesoft, Inc.
[4] Ibid.
[5] 1 Corinthians 1:10–13
[6] Romans 8:17
[7] Romans 16:13 ESV
[8] See Acts 9
[9] Side note: Many scholars connect the Rufus of Romans 16 to Simon of Cyrene who we meet in Mark 15 as he is “recruited” by the Romans to carry the cross of Christ to Golgotha:
And they compelled a passerby, Simon of Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry his cross.
Mark 15:21, ESV
If this is true...Imagine the discipleship journey Simon’s wife/Rufus’ mom must have walked as
her boys returned home changed by the Story of Stories. Now, imagine their family’s discipleship journey intersecting with the apostle Paul as he ventures further and further into the gentile world. Of course, we can’t prove this is the actual connection. I just really hope so because it’s so cool.
[10] 2 Corinthians 11:24-25; Galatians 6:17
[11] 2 Corinthians 11:28
[12] Galatians 4:19
